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tourniquet [23 Jul 2003|11:05pm]
dear diary

i need to rant to you... im just fed up. i want kims mom to know all of this and my positions and stance on things with her demonishing me

1) as far as the ministrial servent, pioneer for kim.. and them being more spiritually stable..... please ask your mom... to consider.... satan, moses, judas, king david and king solomon

a) satan being one of jehovahs angels... and being one of the most favored angels.... turned into satan the devil
b) moses... talk to jehovah (ie burning bush)..a friend even to him.. delivered jehovahs people out of egypt, parted the red sea...... came down to people complaining.... and struck the rock and didnt mention jehovahs name.... did he enter the promise land?
c) judas... one of jesus appointed 12 apostles... even was prayed for... "these are my 12"....judas was one of them..... he betrayed jesus for 30 peices of silver.... 30 pieces of silver.. was how much a slaved cost at the time.
d) david... the same david that killed 9 foot goliath with a "pebble" and a sling... with jehovahs help... he dodged spears from saul... even appointed king... but u had a lofty eye... yes... he couldnt keep his eyes off the gurl down yonder. he stared and watched her bathe... and he commited wrongs with her. he even went to the extent of murdering her husband... whom was one of his own men/soldiers... put him on the FRONT LINE to make sure he died.
e) king solomon? he was blessed with alot from jehovah.... gave him more then he needed quite frankly... made him king... made a temple to jehovah... people worshiped there... but he married women that werent in agreement with his beliefs.. and false idols and worship entered into the temple... he did a complete 180 turn on jehovah...

my point im getting at is the argument isnt credible... elders, pioneers, etc... arent to be looked at as people that are the most stable in the congregation.... these example of men of old.. humans that were closer to jehovah then well ever be in this era.... talked to him etc showed their stability..

2) im going to be 21 in 6 months... not 16 in 6 months... i was man enough to come to tennessee and defend my stance and show people how i am...with nothing holding my back... im man enough to answer her questions, deem that i find them acceptable in her knowing... im not a child in her house or my parents house. you may be in her house... but im not. i quite frankly have no obligation to her. what so ever. i owe her no explainations or reasons.... because im not dating a minor. im dating a 18 year old woman. womanhood manhood... based on wisdom, experience, and mental mature state.... u kim have shown your far superior of alot of your peers in this area. with all this... there is no reason for her to need to talk to my parents.. ive discussed this with my dad... if she wants to know about the boy/man/brother talk to him... im not a little boy...

3) i love kimberly marie gregory.. there is no position for anyone to question my credibility for loving her. irene is not me... she is not in my body.. shes not my heart or brain... she knows nothing im feeling... the love kim gives me... is the love and gap filling i need... wut someone thinks i need... the love i need is someone to have my back, and get to know, and feel i have a right hand man.... someone i can trust cherish and hold.... someone i can do things with.. and accomplish hard tasks with... someone to exell with... kimberly marie gregory is such. my love doesnt require... her cleaning up after me, my providing every meal for me, bending over backwards for me. im from california... we dont conform to such things... we contribute to the household equally... whether... hes at home taking care of the kids cooking... or she is... we contribute... we cook with each other.. i cook for her.. he cooks for her... and pulls her.. she pulls him...they pull together he cleans for her.. she cleans for him.. they clean together.... the wife is the helper yes.. but she is not a slave for men... she is human, she has feelings.... she has rights... to have some equality in the household without steping on god given headship. i will not accept this woman catering to men... (ie holding a banana peel out waiting for his wife to throw it in the trash for him). i myself will take care of kim... i will take care of her and cherish her every drop like ive done now and more. if it means doing extra it means doing extra..... my feelings for her is not infatuation = is likened to adolscent love... puppy love... a foolish love for wuts often visual... i know right off the bat.. im not infatuated with kimberly... lust? if lust were the case... if lust were truely case seeing lust is a sexual craving... a desire for sex.. this isnt the case either.. because if it was... we would have a long time ago.. also infatuations and lust relationships dont last long. lust infatuation would be that my only intent of coming to tennessee was the have sex with kim. which is very very assinine. love to me.. is wut needs to be filled... that someone else can fill... its not wut kim can do for me.. cuz anyone else can... cook for me. wash my clothes and clean up after me... its wut she does to make me feel gapless... wut i dont have.. she fills... wut she doesnt have i fill. to make one bond one flesh... when married. i admire kim.. for things she has that i dont.. and i love her for that.. because she can have an effect on me... and i can have an effect on her... i love the fact that... me and kim can complete the fruits of the spirit... she has some down and some not.... i have some down.. and some not... but with both of us together we complete them... and when we are a whole... we can brush off on each other to get qualities we dont have... we can share the qualities. also to love someone is to know someone.... i know kim enough to the point... she cannot hide her feeling from me... it takes a glance in the eye, or a tone or crack in the voice to know wuts wrong with her.. it takes a tight hug... or a squeezing of the hand to know that right there shes telling me i love you mikey.. without words... or im upset.. or i need closeness.. i know my kimberly.. but i dont know the mastery of her... and this is one that doesnt happen in 2 years of dating... a whole life time. all in all... i love kimberly... i love her as a person, a sister, a gurlfriend, a best friend, and a future wife.

4) i will take care of my responibililities... i will find a job.. i will work my job... if i feel i cannot support kim.. i will not marry her till i can... i will handle mine.... be sure of that. i may have been born yesterday... but i wasnt born without logic and reason, and the right to know wut i can handle and what i cant. if kim feels she needs to talk to my elders about me she will... until then i have not given her any reason to doubt wut im doing... im not shy or scared to admit.. i didnt go to meeting or service or what have you. i dont believe in holding back and keeping stuff from someone u wish to stay with for a life time... you owe each other the respect of trust and honesty and nothing less to make things work.

5) with anything there is risk.. risk is apart of the world we live in..... yes we try to not bring attention to ourselves as jehovah witnesses BUT... being a jehovahs witness is a risk.. interracial relationship is a risk.. threatening your grown adult child is a risk.. life is full of risks.. and none of them are anymore or less dangerous then the other... nobody goes thru life with anymore or less risks.. because thats just the world we live in. our lives arent pre-determind... but... the choices we make every second determind if we live or die tomorrow or 45 years from now....

anyways... this is kim and i's relationship... im trying my best to get my practice in on headship and such... and i feel that a sister is overstepping boundries of a brother trying his best.. to do everything possible to fit wuts right and requried.... to make this go smoothly... i understand parental concern and i understand parents worry about the internet and people from it.. but i havent given kim any reason to doubt me what so ever because ive been tru and honest to her.. and u. i wish this to be smoother.. actually i want this to be smoother. i dont care if im liked or disliked for any of the above... im here to be with kim, and cherish her and love her.. and do whatever it takes to keep us together and happy... and i cannot do such with road blocks and stubbling block that arent even the least bit neccessary. i dont expect smooth easy ride.. but atleasy managable and barable. right now it is not. i dont know who im writing to but i am... i just want this to be known... its jehovah, michael, and kimberly... we will succed and prevail.. dont try and stop it our doubt it..... we prayed that if its meant to be... then let this continue.. . and if its not... stop it now... nothing has stopped us... im not letting our relationship slip thru our hands... and let it go to waste over trivial attitudes and beliefs... me and kim make our relationship rules... we are two adult trying to plan our lives together and taking the steps to get there....... i just want her to have the respect of being backed/support by people she loves... without the her being hurt or pained... shes making a decision people that people in the world take 11 years to figure out... shes still your child... but shes an adult too... yes she needs to be treated like one.. but also need to feel special like a child does by their parents... kim wants to be an adult and is one... but it doesnt mean that u cant help her, or comfort her, and hold her... shes still your child... just grown up... her discipline shouldnt be from getting spanked or being grounded... shes an adult... her discipline should come from the bible... her discipline should come from her learning from her mistakes... example... she broke the law... by going over the alotted speed limit.. her discipline... 163$... grounding and spanking are for adolscents... thank you for listening to me again diary... sometimes i need to speak my mind. when others are to cold and shallow to listen.

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i only tell the truth of the feelings im given [22 Jul 2002|09:35am]
i saw her yesterday. no words could even describe. i saw her twice. first time i thought she hated me or maybe i was just scared because i wanted to be close to her and really couldnt. second time i saw her i was just i dunno not in love but i was just in awe. i saw her playing the piano and i was just looking at her... and i was like gosh shes beautiful, gosh shes so talented, gosh shes so smart. i didnt know what to do. all these emotions were just flaring and i just couldnt help myself... and her lil girl i dont know shes just soooo cute....adorable even. i would really like to be in there lives if it ever happened. i watched her play basketball it was fun shes pretty good... this girl is like allll talented. she skates even she was trying to bust tricks on my board... she was sooooo cute. sometimes i wanted to drool i dunno im shutting up.... bye
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painful death [19 Jul 2002|11:13pm]
im scared. i feel like im dying. i just wish i was inlove. i wish i had someone to explore someone hand to hold. i think thats why i get so attached so fast. maybe is because my heart is desperate for what little love i had. im not infatuated with love. i just wanted to be loved. i know im loved by my mom by my dad. but i want to be loved by someone. i want someone to explore me. see what im worth. but i dont know. i want things to fast and i have no patience. sometimes im scared to get close to someone know im going to get rejected. my heart is crying for someone to explore someone to depend on. but the harsh reality is...its not going to happen yet. i have to wait. i have to be patient. but i dont want to be patient i want someone now. im sounding desperate now i know its silly. right now my heart is beating 50times thicker and 50 times slower. im heart is crying for that someone. i fear that next helping hand, will help me to sorrow and anguish. im going to explode i just feel so alone. so so alone. i need to rip my heart out of my chest cuz it hurts so much. i wish things would of gone right the first time around but it seems as though it wasnt meant to be. why cant i just have back what i felt back then. anything i would do to have that feeling again. i think if i do find someone true someone deserving ill be happy. i wanna hold her hand... i want to kiss her and fall in tranquility. i want to want thoughts of endless bliss. but i dont know her. shes within arms length but am i within her arms length. this is all to soon this is all to scary i just wanna hide. i just wanna cry. im scared. i feel like im dying. goodnight
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tengo gas [19 Jul 2002|10:42am]
ok people! so im back to using livejournal. i dont know why im so back and forth with this stuff. i guess im a back and forth kind of person eh? anyways since i last blogged absolutely nothing has been going. just more heartache and heartbreak....same ol same ol! anyways i have a new friend! her name is breanna and shes 22. and she goes to my hall. sooner or later ill get a picture of her and you can see what she looks like. lets see who else is new. thats about it really. im still working at the place that makes fine hair care products (JOICO). OOooooOoooOOOooOOo!!!! I GOT A CAR DUDES!!!! I GOT A VOLKSWAGEN GOLF!!! and it soooo r0x your s0x.. its just amazing. i love my laurel... named after basethirteen.org laurel. i heart laurel.. i also have a new website its called GREYAVENUE... and you can check it out at greyave.com. anyways im at work and i better get back to work! tootles!
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